You’ve probably heard that you need to cut the toxic people out of your life, and while that’s a wise practice if you want to create abundance and happiness around you, the person you might want to look at first is YOU.
Because maybe the most toxic person in your life is yourself.
I know all about this because that was me a few years ago. Everything was someone else’s fault. There was so much gossip, angst, and negativity in my life and I didn’t know why I was attracting all that drama.
It took quite the dose of reality to realize that it wasn’t my job, my co-workers, bad luck, my circumstances or the universe that made me unhappy; it was ME.
I was the one causing the unnecessary conflict and drama. It was a hard pill to swallow.
But like G.I. Joe says, “knowing is half the battle.” Though recognizing it was difficult, doing something about it was even more so because cutting MYSELF out of my life was not possible. But it did require cutting. Cutting those parts that were bitter, angry, passive aggressive, complain-y, negative, judgemental, TOXIC, was not easy by any means, but it needed to be done.
Getting rid of the toxic parts of me required a constant state of self-introspection and forcing myself to change. Here are five things I did (and am still doing) to change from being toxic and unhappy to someone who is inspiring and uplifting to those around me.
1. Admit That The Problem Is YOU
Identify the behaviors in yourself that are not serving you and begin the hard work to eliminate them. To do this, you have to shift your entire mindset inward. Immerse yourself in self-improvement activities: reading self-improvement books, listening to podcasts, and constantly being on guard against your own toxic thoughts and behaviors.
Part of that could very well be cutting out the toxic people you’ve surrounded yourself with as well. Misery loves company and all that.
2. Stop Being Passive Aggressive
Stop mumbling, grumbling, and putting up obscure Facebook posts targeted at some unnamed person you have a beef against. If you need to have a difficult conversation with someone, do it. Say what you are feeling, honestly and without malicious intent instead of whispering about it to everyone else or complaining about it to anyone who will listen.
3. Take Responsibility For Your Problems
No, the universe is not against you. Stop pointing the fingers at your boss, your spouse, your kids, your parents. No more victim stories, excuses and blaming other people, circumstances, or life. If you want to be successful, take 100% responsibility for your life.
{A great book on this is The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be
4. Stop Being Negative
Break those negative thought habits. The best way I’ve found to do this is to practice GRATITUDE. Focus on what you have in your life and not what you don’t have. No more feeling guilty, seek to be kinder, surround yourself with positive people, let go and forgive. As with all things worth having in life, it’s easier said than done, but don’t use that as an excuse. Keep your mind in check at all times and stop it when it wants to jump on the negativity train.
5. Stop Complaining
One question I always ask my 11-year-old when she starts complaining is, “Are you just stating the problem or are you going to come up with a solution?” When you hear yourself complaining, ask yourself the same thing, “What’s the solution?” Complaining just leads to anger, which leads to bitterness, which leads to drama. All toxic and none of which you want in your life.
Not being a toxic person is a NEVERENDING endeavor. I’m still constantly working on all of these things, sometimes on a minute-by-minute basis. It’s not easy, but if you want to continue to move forward instead of stay stagnant, it might be time for a reality check.
Awesome advice!!!! I needed to here that at this point in my life! Than you!!
Thank you for reading 🙂
Are there any books you recommend to get more in depth?
Hi Grace!
Yes, a ton of books are great to help you on your journey. Here are a few that really helped me:
The Success Principles
7 Habits of a Highly Effective Person
You Are a Badass
Everything by Brene Brown
Hope these help!
Yeah…I agree. I hate negative people….
Very helpful for me! I needed to be told I am a toxic person and the ways to fix it on an ongoing basis. I knew deep inside something wasn’t right. Now I have a better perception of what is really going on. It’s hard when you constantly bury the problem. Thanks
I’m glad it helped you. Our own flaws are the hardest for us to see. Best of luck to you, Darcy!
hey Darcy,
I just saw this article and I kinda need help, considering that im having the same problem as you
Hey Sarah,
Thanks for reaching out! Recognizing that it’s a problem is the biggest step, now you can work on learning and changing!
Best of luck,
Hanssie
I liked this article. I have been told that I have negative thinking and I blame others. When the criticism comes from outside,it acts like a reality check. But on the inside I feel terrible about my own faults. I have Jack Canfield’s book. I ordered it a few years back along with other self-help books and I think yours might be the only blog which praised the book. Coz what I feel is that yes,it is one of the good self-help books out there, but it seems like it is focused more on professional success than on emotions. And it is a challenge to follow the advice of those books and my friends who knew I became quite ‘into’ the self-help world,felt that I should stop reading them. Even my counselor asked me to do that,when I sought help for depression.
I hope I get out of this phase.
Hi Lizzie,
It’s definitely difficult to hear criticisms about yourself, but you are right, it is a reality check. The GOOD NEWS is, you don’t have to stay that way. You can make the choice RIGHT NOW to change. You can take 100% responsibility for your life and choose not to blame others and be the victim. In fact, that is the number one principle in that book and the ONE principle that changed my life from Success Principles.
I loved SP because I want to be successful in all areas of life and that book not only focuses on external success but changing the way you think. I love it for its practicality. Of course, everyone has their own opinions and needs and so what resonates with one may not resonate with another at that time. I realized that there is a time for everything. I’ve tried to read SP a few times before I was actually ready for it and the truths hit me right where I needed them to.
Now, I’m not a professional counselor or anything, but I believe that self-help books are great tools for learning and reading is amazing, but if YOU find that it’s more of a crutch or a detriment, then stop reading and start making maybe just one change. Decide that you are getting out of this phase and take the first step to do it! I don’t know what the first step is for you, but you do. You can and will get out of this phase! I believe in you, because I did it so I know it’s possible! Find an outlet to process that energy – writing was mine, but yours might be music or dancing or painting or cooking or whatever.
Best of luck and please keep me updated on your journey. Email me anytime Hanssieh@gmail.com <3
Thank you so much for giving me the tools to a better me
Hi I was wondering if you have any other favorite self help books that you’d recommend and also if you could recommend some good podcasts as well
Hi Marissa,
I actually have a blog post with some really good book recommendations, but that won’t be for a bit, so here are a few I liked that you might find interesting:
– You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero
– 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
– Unleash the Power Within by Tony Robbins
Podcasts: I listen to School of Greatness but mostly these days I’m all about audiobooks. I will search for a topic and listen to specific podcasts about it as well.
Hope that helps!
Thank you for sharing your beauty.
<3 thank you for reading XOXO
I am a toxic person and i hate it. You dont want to see that your the one thats the problem and blame it on everyone else. You want everything to be about you and when its not throw a hissy fit and treat your loved ones like crap. I wish i knew how this started i don’t want to be that person you know? Its hard to actually see that i am the problem in all of this man but i am and i really want help. I am so tired of feeling depressed and sad all the time i just want to feel happy. Its so crazy how bringing your self to be happy is twice as hard but I’ll do anything at this point.
Hey Brandey,
First of all, thank you for reading and sharing. I know what you’re feeling and the good news is, you don’t have to be that toxic person anymore. It doesn’t matter how you got to this point, but where you’re going to go from here! It doesn’t sound like you want to be that toxic person anymore, so it’s time to put in the work and become the person you want to be. Start with gratitude. Think of 3 things every day that you are grateful for in your life. It’s not an easy road back and you’ll find that it’s easy to fall back into old patterns some days, but it’s so worth the work. Being happy does take work at times, but it’s so worth it.
Good luck, my friend. And let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.
H
Luar Biasa, ini sangat menenangkan.
Positif sekali.. thanks Hanssie..
Thank you, Bowie 🙂
I have been suffering with forgiving myself for being a toxic person and people walking out of my life because of it. I’m ashamed that at the age of 25 I’m struggling with this which seems too old to me. I’m glad I ran across your blog to realize I’m not the only one going through this. I will strive to be better but what hurts is that I’ve been left so many times I feel like I’ll never be wanted or truly loved by anyone.
Hi there,
Thank you for sharing with me. You’re an amazing person and never forget that! Forgiveness is hard whether you are forgiving others or yourself. Just imagine you saying all the crappy things that your inner voice says to you, out loud to someone else. Terrible, right? Give yourself a break, learn to love yourself now, and make amends for past wrongs that you’ve caused. Free yourself from the prison that you’ve placed yourself in. You can be a different person from this moment on. Don’t look back and keep moving forward.
Best of luck,
Hanssie
I needed to read this! my relationship of almost 5 years ended due to my toxic behavior. I tried my best to make it work, the only way I knew how but I failed. I took full responsibility for my actions, and hurting the person I loved. In the beginning he cheated, and that’s when I should have left. Instead I stayed thinking i can get over it, but i never really fully did. He did other things in between that damaged my self esteem, my trust, yet again i stayed. Thinking i could forgive him was only my denial talking, so i brought him down with me. The only mistake we both made was staying in it for so long. I don’t want to make any more excuses on why i am toxic, so reading this is the beginning of my journey. Great insight!
Hey Becca,
I think one of the major steps is to recognize the toxicity so it sounds like you are well on your way! Thank you for sharing and good luck on your journey!
Hanssie
Any advice on how to GENTLY approach someone about being a toxic parent?
Eeek, that’s a tough one. My general rule is to not offer any parenting advice unless explicitly asked for – I’ve learned my lesson the hard way.
My advice would be to try working with the person to become a less toxic person instead of approaching it from a parenting perspective. Also, it really depends on what your relationship with this person is. If it’s you’re parent, that conversation would be very different than it would be if the parent was your spouse or just a friend.
It was a hard pill to swallow realising I was toxic person. The person I loved left due to my toxic behaviour, I never fully forgive him for leaving me for his ex girlfriend. So when we got back together I just exhibited so much negative energy and aggression towards him which wasn’t intentional and he had had enough. I guess the mistake I made was getting back together with him, it caused so much stress, anxiety and toppled with trust issues. He was good person but in my mind I had so many insecurities based on him leaving me previously. If I knew what was going on during the relationship, maybe it could have been fixed. I attended therapy which helped a little but it definitely plays on the back of my mind because I never got to tell him how I was really feeling. My feelings just came out as a aggression which wasn’t good for the both of us. Unfortunately I have to move and accept my actions caused this.
Hi Regina,
Thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry that your relationship ended but I’m so glad you were able to accept responsibility (as tough as it is) for your actions. That is truly the road to growing – owning up to and learning from our past and our mistakes, no matter how difficult a pill it is to swallow.
I hope you do get the chance someday to make amends to your ex, but if you don’t, know that it’s okay to move on and become a better person. Best of luck to you.
Hanssie
I really hate being a toxic person, it seems hard to not make myself out to be the victim no matter what I say, i’m on the brink of losing all my friends but they say they want to continue being my friend when i’m healthy and no longer toxic, I don’t know what to do and i’m scared of losing them
Hey Jessie,
Recognizing that you are toxic is half the battle to change! Once you’ve admitted to yourself that you need to change and want to change, then you can begin doing the work of changing. When you notice yourself playing the victim role, change that story you’re telling yourself in your head and think of things you are grateful for. Instead of thinking of yourself as a victim, think of yourself as a SURVIVOR. Yeah, you’ve gone through some crappy things but YOU’RE STILL HERE and you’re stronger than ever.
Take 100% responsibility of your life and your choices and you’ll be well on your way to healing and light in no time. Best of luck!
H
Thank you so much for giving me the tools to a better me
Hi Ayanna,
Thank you so much for commenting and am so glad I could help. Wishing you the best on your journey.
xo,
H
I’m glad that I found this article. I’m 46 yrs old and just coming out of a 5yr relationship that my toxic behavior ruined. I truly do love him but I have to accept that my actions and lies drove him away for good. I have a history of numerous relationships that I destroyed. Now I know I need to heal myself. I’ve already started the process by admitting to him everything that I’d lied about. My actions, combined with his words or hurt and anger have reduced me to nothing. I want to (need to) rebuild myself to someone that I’m proud of instead of living in shame. I’ve always blamed others for causing me to act the way I have. I feel like at my age, I’ve ruined any chance of being loved. Again, I’m SO glad I read your article.
Hey Susan,
Thank you so much for reading and first and foremost, you are NOT nothing and you have not ruined your chance at being loved. We all deserve to be loved. You’ve taken the first step to becoming a better person and that is self-awareness. At 46, you still have a whole, abundant life ahead; age is but a number, right? I totally believe that and intend to stay as young as possible for as old as possible. I feel like my life started again at 34 and I’m just a baby at 41.
You do not need to live in shame. Acknowledge that you have made mistakes, forgive yourself (and others) for them and start anew. Keep moving forward one step at a time. You are amazing for taking full personal responsibility for your life. I believe that you are on the right path. Best of luck and please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you.
xo,
H
I m feeling so helpless from where I should start. I m alone just because of my toxicity I lost my family n friends just because of my toxicity n it is today that I realized my fault but it’s too late they will never forgive me .But I love them alot .I m just going to cut off my own self but I had decided multiple times now no one trusts me . Everyone thinks that I will never change , sometimes I also feel that I m not changing my self ,what should I do ??I m highly depressed n I have my exam the next day because of this depression I don’t wanna do anything.. please suggest me something I Don’t wanna be failed in exam but I m also too much depressed . please suggest me something.
Hi Rida!
Have hope and courage! You’ve taken the biggest first step by recognizing and acknowledging it. Great job in owning your mistakes and the willingness to do something about it.
I know it’s overwhelming, especially when you think that you’re alone, but I assure you that you aren’t alone. It seems like an insurmountable mountain right now to get from the place you are now to a healthy, happy place surrounded by those you love, but trust me, you can make it there. Just take one step at a time. Don’t worry about “winning” your friends and family back. If they truly love and care for you and you start changing and growing and healing, they will come around.
Focus on yourself and your growth. One step at a time. I’m not an expert but in my opinion, your next best step is GRATITUDE. Start each morning and end each day by writing down just 3 things you are grateful for and really feel appreciation for them. If it’s a person, feel free to send them a quick message and let them know you appreciate them and why. Don’t expect anything back. Just give them this gift of your appreciation. Some days, it’ll be harder to find things you are grateful for, but just remember that you have SO MANY things to be grateful for. You’re alive, you get to go to school, you are healthy. There are people out there that have less but are filled with abundance anyway.
I hope this makes sense. I’d love to chat with you more. If you like to read, I recommend The Success Principles and You Are a Badass.
Just remember my friend, one step at a time. Focus on gratitude and good luck on your exam!
There is only one person I am having a problem with, which is my child’s father. Co-parenting is becoming difficult. We have communication problems and that’s where is gets really toxic. I say a lot things I don’t mean and blame him. He says I play the victim and I feel he’s passive aggressive. What specific practice would I look for in therapy? But he isn’t willing to go, it would just be me. I want to change this for the sake of our child.
Hi Kat,
I totally understand that! It took me a long time to work through my issues with my daughter’s dad.
The best advice I’ve been given is to just assume that everyone is doing the best they can with the best intentions. It may or may not be true but if you approach it with that mindset, you’ll extend more grace to that person. Plus it helps to remind yourself that you’re an adult and you have the ability to control what you say and what you do when it comes to even the most difficult person.
I recommend working on becoming more self-aware and not worrying about him and his journey. If that means you want to try therapy, go for it. Let him do what he needs to do. Just focus on becoming a better person yourself. Take responsibility for 100% of your life for the sake of yourself and your child.
I recommend these two books if you’re a reader: 1) The Success Principles and 2) 7 Habits of the Highly Successful Person. All this is easier said than done, of course, but the work you put in is worth it, I promise. Best of luck!
I’ve always been one to say that I’m a good person & blame everyone else around me for problems that arose in my life. I never took the time to sit down & actually think about who I was a a person & what I was doing. My relationship is at stake right now & ive never felt more heartbroken in my life, but to see these articles about toxicity & about accepting that sometimes you are the problem has been somewhat helpful to jump start my process of a new & better me. Not only for my relationship, but for myself. I’ve never been the one to comment or leave a review or even reach out to someone when I need to. I never knew I needed to. I feel blessed to have found not only this article but other ones that pertain to the same topic & im not even big on reading, but I’m reading them all.. this is something that’s really hard for me to accept & im glad that I’m taking the extra step to finding myself & my own happiness…
Hi Jori,
Congrats on taking the first step to a better life! Thank you for sharing your story. It won’t happen overnight but take a new step forward each day and be the awesome person you were meant to be!
Good luck on your journey!
H
I appreciate this post. I’ve been toxic in my marriage and caused my divorce. It’s been so hard for me to find out why I am toxic and to change my ways. My divorce really opened my eyes and I’m on a healing journey to become a better me.
Stephanie,
Thanks for sharing your story. The journey is a tough one but so so worth it. I encourage you to keep doing the hard work for you surely will come out a better you to share with the world.
Best,
H
It’s so sad that most times we don’t realise we are toxic until the damage has already been done to the people we love the most. My toxic behaviour caused my partner to cut things off and I just wish I knew all of this so long ago. I am still so happy to have this now so I can change this toxic behaviour and not hurt myself or anyone one else anymore
I agree 100%! Best of luck on your journey to a better self!
H