“Why do guys always end up picking the other woman instead of me?” I whined to my friend recently.
“Well, sometimes you can be pretty negative, and it’s hard to be around. Turns people off.” Said my friend.
Ouch.
(It’s times like this I just want you to lie and tell me I’m smart and pretty and that men are dumb. I don’t want honesty, dammit. I want validation).
When I first joined this adventure into singleness, another friend of mine told me that my biggest hurdle will be myself, namely my ego. That I had low self-esteem and a big ego and so I always need to be feeding my ego, or I would feel bad about myself and feel unworthy.
(Dang, I know I love honesty, but geez, friends…).
In the last year and a half, I have thought a lot about my ego and its need for attention. Trying to fight off the constant need for validation and acceptance is something I’ve struggled with all my life, as I’ve often shared on this blog. One huge hurdle in raising my self-worth has been not worrying about getting approval for my choices. I am learning to own up to my mistakes, stand behind my choices and learn from my experiences, good or bad. I’ve had a paradigm shift in my values and my thinking. And I am “winging it” right now using a whole new rulebook. This is one reason I’ve strayed from my “church” background (don’t read into that as “I’ve backslidden into the arms of Satan” or whatever). Sometimes the people in church seem to be in one constant cycle of approval-seeking and judgment. But that’s a post for another day when I feel like fending off the emails and tsking. (Don’t get me wrong, I know a handful of people that are amazing, church-going, God-loving people, and I would not be here if it weren’t for them).
So, this next chapter in my journey is to unpack (as I blogged about yesterday) and work on raising my self-esteem, starving the ego, and banishing negativity. There will be more self-reflection and less dating. And honestly, less dating sounds AMAZING. (Dating is soooo overrated). Self-reflection doesn’t sound fun, but at least it’s not overrated. Haha. I will continue to say yes to new, scary experiences, and hopefully, soon, I can say, “I don’t care what you think of me. I’m happy with myself either way,” without the little voice inside me telling me otherwise.
I SO get this. While my marriage was headed in its’ downward spiral, I completely backed out of my church-going self. I lost a big part of myself, but I was scared of the rejection and judgmentalness of the church. I wanted to deal with things on my own, in my own way. Unfortunately, that was without God.
Do I think God could have saved my marriage? Well, I don’t think He could have kept my ex from choosing to leave me for another woman – that was all up to him. But I do think that I could have seen the warning signs earlier and have been healthier once my marriage ended.
About two months ago I went back to church for the first time in two years. And what I thought would be condemning and judgmental was nothing but love and support. I’m so glad I’m involved again. I’d be nowhere near where I am today without it.
Just food for thought. 🙂
One day when my daughter was about six, I looked at her and realized I was looking into a mirror. That’s when I realized I needed to work on myself or she would become a depressed, insecure mess like me. Praying for youand your journey. 🙂