“Why do guys always end up picking the other woman instead of me?” I whined to my friend recently.
“Well, sometimes you can be pretty negative, and it’s hard to be around. Turns people off.” Said my friend.
(It’s times like this I just want you to lie and tell me I’m smart and pretty and that men are dumb. I don’t want honesty, dammit. I want validation).
When I first joined this adventure into singleness, another friend of mine told me that my biggest hurdle will be myself, namely my ego. That I had a low self-esteem and a big ego and so I always need to be feeding my ego, or I would feel bad about myself and feel unworthy.
(Dang, I know I love honesty, but geez, friends…).
In the last year and a half, I have thought a lot about my ego and its need for attention. Trying to fight off the constant need for validation and acceptance is something I’ve struggled with all my life as I’ve often shared on this blog. One huge hurdle in raising my self-worth has been not to worry about getting approval for my choices. I am learning to own up to my mistakes, stand behind my choices and learn from the experiences good or bad. I’ve had a paradigm shift in my values and my thinking. And I am “winging it” right now using a whole new rulebook. This is one reason I’ve strayed from my “church” background (don’t read into that as, “I’ve backslidden into the arms of Satan” or whatever). Sometimes the people in church seem to be one constant cycle of approval seeking and judgement. But that’s a post for another day when I feel like fending off the emails and tsking. (Don’t get me wrong, I know a handful of people that are amazing, church-going, God-loving people and I would not be here if it weren’t for them).
So, this next chapter in my journey is to unpack (as I blogged about yesterday) and work on raising the self-esteem, starving the ego and banishing the negativity. There will be more self-reflection and less dating. And honestly, less dating sounds AMAZING. (Dating is soooo overrated). Self-reflection doesn’t sound fun but, at least, it’s not overrated. Haha. I will continue to say yes to new, scary experiences and hopefully, soon I can say, “I don’t care what you think of me. I’m happy with myself either way” without the little voice inside me telling me otherwise.