Unrequited Love

“Remember when we were kids, and we’d have a crush on someone and when we found out they didn’t like us, how devastated we would be? Well, that’s kinda what we go through as an adult. Only more. As kids, we don’t invest much but “feelings” but for a few super long days our world is falling apart. Well, as adults we invest a lot: feelings, affection, time, energy, emotion, etc. So, yes, the pain is much more intense, but, it is just a feeling, just like when we were kids. It too, will pass.” ~ words of wisdom from my hairdresser when he was reminding me how awesome I am.

I had my first crush when I was a sophomore in high school. He was older, a blond, blue-eyed all-American looking boy (I know, I never strayed from my type) and had absolutely no interest in a gawky, Asian nerd girl, who had permed hair and unkept eyebrows. Oh, how my 14-year-old self-loved him so. We were friends, we went to the same church, he was in the marching band and I was in the Colorguard. I wrote him love letters, took the long way around to my locker so that I would just happen to pass by his locker and to his credit, he did his best to be nice to me, even though I am sure I made things super uncomfortable when I was around. In the 11th grade, I sent our mutual friend with another long letter pretty much pouring my heart out to him. He told our friend that he just didn’t like me “that way.” I was devastated. And I pined over him for another three years after that when we worked together in the same youth group. I recently saw a picture of him and really have no idea what I saw in him, but a heart wants what a heart wants, I guess.

And so goes about three other boys in high school and college until I met my ex-husband. I think I was shocked that a boy I was interested in actually liked me back. I wasn’t sure what to do with that. I ended up marrying him.

It’s been a year in a half of singleness for me now. And in my short foray into actively dating, I’ve realized that I carry with me much of the feelings of rejection that I felt when I was younger. I am always surprised when a guy “likes” me. Especially when it’s someone that I actually like. So, here I’ve discovered another fear to add to the piles that assault me on a regular basis. So much so that my poor hairdresser (who is amazing by the way) has to regularly hear me rant about my woes. He’s told me that he’s going to write a book some day. I’m pretty sure my chapter is going to be long…very long.

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