I’ve never dated.

I met and married my first boyfriend in my last year of college at 20 years old. My dad had even joked a few years back that he and my Mom were worried that after graduation I was going to move into their basement and start collecting cats.

So, fast forward to this newfound life of a single gal who had seriously NO CLUE about life in the dating world. A girl who lived her entire twenties like she was in her thirties (and why am I speaking in the third person?!) Anyway, I was an old soul. I was perfectly content making a home, having a baby, hanging out with married couples much older than myself, going to church, and going to the occasional movie with the husband.

When I hit thirty, and after starting the rebuild of my life, I started feeling a little streak of rebellion course through my veins. My metamorphosis into an extrovert brought new people and experiences in my life. At thirty-three, while in Vegas for WPPI, I decided I wanted to try alcohol. (Yep, you totally read that correctly. I did not try alcohol until last year. That’s a story for another day though…).  Basically, now I am reliving my twenties at 34 years old. It’s fun. And sometimes a bit weird. But mostly fun 🙂

A few months ago, I decided I was kinda ready and brave enough to maybe go on a few dates and see what dating was all about. Problem was (and still is) I look much younger than I really am, so when I am out at a bar or club with my friends, I have very young men hitting on me…and most of them have one thing on their minds and that one thing is NOT going out on a date. (Don’t get me wrong, it’s VERY flattering. Hee hee).

Back in the fall, a friend of mine had recommended that I download a dating app onto my phone so I could meet new people, learn how to be single and have fun for a while. I scoffed at the idea of online dating, I mean not only did it seem unsafe but there is a certain stigma attached to it (even if I have awesome clients who met on popular dating sites. I just chalked it up that they were the lucky few that were able to find each other). Plus, I definitely was not ready for a serious relationship. I had just gotten out of an 11-year marriage! I was enjoying my freedom!

About 2 weeks ago though, I was bored one night and a little lonely and so I figured, well, why not. Let’s try this thing out and at the very least I could chat with some new people and experience a new adventure. I created a profile and within minutes I started getting messages. Very interesting messages. And by interesting, I mean, weird. And by weird, I mean, some were downright creepy.

Like the guy that said he was “getting his ankle bracelet off in a few days,” would I like to meet for coffee…

Like the one who told me his “size,” and sent a photo of himself in the mirror, sans clothes…

Like the guy who wanted to explore our “animalistic attraction…”

Like the guy that messaged me 4 times asking if I would “give an ugly guy a chance,” and then proceeded to beg me to go to dinner with him…

Like the guy who said something about buying feathers, handcuffs, strawberries and whipped cream…and I stopped reading the message at that point…

Don’t get me wrong, not all of them were weirdos or creepers. Some are actually very nice and could string words together to make actually sentences that didn’t start with “sup” and “your beautiful” (Note the incorrect usage of “you’re.” And I stated CLEARLY in my profile that I find intelligence to be sexy and I value proper grammar. I’m asking a lot, aren’t I?).

But mostly, I found myself fascinated (and more often than not, entertained) with the way people interacted online. The things they would write in their profile, how they presented themselves, the photos they would choose. (Just a Public Service Announcement: MEN, please stop posting self-portraits in the mirror of you with no shirt on and maybe women will try to stop the duck face pictures that seem to be popping up everywhere. People, this isn’t MySpace.) And really, I find it difficult to believe that 95% of the online dating male population LOVE to work out, is athletic and fit and makes over $100k a year…just sayin’

So, I ended up going on two dates.

1. The One with the Boat: The first one was with a quirky guy who lived on a boat. He seemed nice, we had dinner…and the entire time I felt like I was AT WORK. (Being in marketing, I am constantly selling my product and myself to people and the entire time, I felt like I was marketing myself). The date ended fine and while I was debriefing with my best friend on the ride home, I decided he and I were just not really that compatible and I wasn’t going to accept a second date, should one be offered… a few minutes after I got home, he CONFIRMED my decision by sending me a “You should do yourself a favor and let me have my way with you,” text. Yes, I am serious and who the heck says that?!

2. The One Who Didn’t Want To Make A Decision: We met for coffee. Neither of us drinks coffee. He was late and was technically still on the clock for work. We chatted. I felt like I was AT WORK. He asked if we could “hang out” later that evening. (Um, isn’t that what we were doing right then?) He texted me right after we left and said I could decide what we would do. I decided fro yo was safe, even though he didn’t eat frozen yogurt or anything else that deviated from his diet plan. He actually texted me back and said he was “disappointed in my choice of activities” (RED FLAG). Apparently, he had hoped for something different, which I made CLEAR he wasn’t getting what he was hoping for. We discussed and he clarified that that wasn’t what he was looking for just yet (RED FLAG) and my roommate encouraged me to just go out and give him a chance. Against my better judgment, I did. And after the 10 minutes, it took for me to finish my frozen yogurt, we sat there and did not talk for over an hour. I carried the entire conversation and every time I asked what he wanted to do next, he said, “It’s up to you.” I ended up kissing him, just to see if there was anything there (the answer to that is NOPE) and even with that, I made the first move. And it was clear what he wanted was NOT frozen yogurt.

I think I’m about done with the online dating thing (and after this blog post, I probably won’t get asked out ever again anyway).

P.S. In the near future, I am definitely writing a post on the Do’s and Don’ts of creating an online dating profile. I think someone should educate the masses (especially the clueless and awkward ones…)

P.P.S. Just a little note: I know lots of couples that have tried and been successful with online dating. This is just my experience and it’s only been 2 weeks. LOL