Oh, how funny this thing called life. It has a way of beating us up, shaping us into unrecognizable beings, making us better or worse, breaking us, building us back up only to tear us down again and mold us into something different.
I used to be a pessimistic introvert. Someone everyone obviously wanted to be around –a sorta shy girl who wanted to bury her nose in a book, criticize or complain about how the glass was half empty. Total winner.
To be honest, I always had a sassy hidden streak that was masked by my need to please people. I had this deep-seated fear of not being liked and wanting to be accepted –not uncommon and especially not for a little minority girl in a predominately white city. Then one day everything changed…
My little world as I knew it came crashing down. For years, I played the role of a good Asian daughter and really good (albeit judgmental and critical) Christian who went to church 4 days a week, sang in the church choir and lead a Bible study and all that. My perfect little controlled life was smashed and I sat there holding the pieces. (Stick with me here, the story does end happily and is not such a drag…)
The myth of the phoenix rising from the ashes was lived out in my life in 2006. Many of those who I thought were my friends deserted me and that was the least of my problems. Grasping for anything that I could control, I began focusing my energies on building something of my own that only I could control, that I alone held the power to create or destroy. My days were focused on one thing – and that was to survive.
Let’s fast forward because this is getting depressing…
And rebuild I did. I built a successful business, I made new, real friends, I forced myself to become an extrovert by putting myself in situations that required me to be in front of people. But best of all, I stopped living my life in fear of judgment of other people.
In September, I found myself charting a new course, one that I never thought I’d ever had to experience–the life of a single gal. And it has been both the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
I’ve discovered a passion for life that had been locked up pretty much all my life. For the first time in a long time, I am excited when I wake up in the morning. I am excited to try new things. I am excited to make mistakes. I am excited about the new, uncharted territory.
Has it been all sunshine and roses? Hell no. And I’m sure the road ahead is going to be filled with trials and errors, but I am so much better equipped to handle them and learn from them. My life is an awesome adventure and I am ever-evolving. I can’t wait to see what happens next.
So, you might have noticed that things are changing a bit around here. The pattern of my life is that every three years or so, I get bored with whatever I am doing and need to expand and evolve. Oh, I still LOVE being a wedding and fashion photographer, so don’t get me wrong and you can still hire me, but I am also expanding, exploring and creating new outlets for my creativity. But you might have noticed that I don’t blog anymore. I’d just lost the motivation to type three times a week and sit in front of my computer for hours on end editing. It got to be a laborious chore and I was missing out on so much of LIFE. So, it’s time for a change.
I’ve re-branded my life. And now I’m going to document it a la Sex in the City style. This blog is going to be a little less photo-centric and about to get more edgy, honest, passionate and raw. As my friend Ronnie likes to say, “Sh*ts about to get real…(I’ll probably leave the sex out though–come on, my MOM is reading this! But you never know…)
And yes, I am totally going to be posting about my dating adventures (as well as all of my other adventures, fears, victories, tough days, excitements, etc). And trust me, you’ll laugh and maybe cry and hopefully cheer me on. Or you might not want to read at all. And I’m okay with that.
And yes, there still will be photos. Lots of them. Probably mostly from my iPhone, but hey, it’s not about the equipment. I love my 5D Mark II but it doesn’t really fit in my sequined clutch…
I <3 you, Hanssie. If you ever need to see old, old friends, Chattanooga is the place. Now, keep kicking ass!
Sounds like you’re headed in an awesome direction, enjoy it! 😀
I also love the idea of your blog being reinvented as a lifeblog, which is so much more interesting than just another photography blog!
Hanssie,
I am so happy that you are honest and am willing to share about what is going on with your life. I had the same thing happen last year and as painful as it was I am so strong. I’ll be following your adventures! Good luck with everything!
Chatti
Glad you are starting to find out who Hanssie really is. I told you that was the key during lunch at that SD Thai place. 🙂
PS Again, great BJs are the key to keeping a sugar daddy. haha. You wanted raw right?
I’m here to cheer you on! Whatever the outcome of this new journey, your still awesome and passionate about life and the kidlet! Cheers to finding yourself and rebranding your life 🙂 xoxo
Wow!!!! I am so proud of you for so many reasons. I knew a few years back that there was an extrovert Hanssie. You are one strong woman who is An example to others. We should never give up on life and let others hold us back. It’s too short. We love you!!!! Now go kick some ass!!!!
You go girl!! You know I’ll always cheer you on! You’re an incredible woman… Can’t wait to read about all you adventures!!
Not “all” of the people you thought were you’re friends…. Some of us still are your friends. And will be still.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. Seriously. Because it takes a LOT to be open with not only your friends, but your universe in general, and it’s quite brave when you don’t fit into the neat little box that people want to stick you in. I really gravitate to your open honesty, and find it actually gives me hope in my own life. I know we all have “secret” lives; the pieces that DON’T get shared on Facebook while we are so busy telling each other about the wonderful meal we just ate… and I know that a brief smile doesn’t always mean that life is peachy. For honesty’s sake, I have actually been separated from my husband for a couple years now. Even though we still see each other quite often, things haven’t been “fixed.” I’m not sure WHICH way things will go. But not many people know that. Because life isn’t black and white, and it just gets too dang complicated to share sometimes. Or deal with the “looks” that some people give you… or the advice that follows. So I feel like I lead a double life at times. So, yeah… with all my rambling here, I guess I’m saying THANK YOU for speaking up and sharing these pieces of yourself. I can’t wait to see your growth and self-discovery, and I look forward to reading more about your adventures along the way.