With the sh*tstorm that was just released in the form of the 36 million names from the hacked Ashley Madison website, it got me thinking a lot about cheating. It is estimated that 30-60% (some research shows 70%!) of spouses will cheat on their wife/husband. That number is insane! And though, even after having it happen to me three times (Thanks, ex-husband), I still am in shock that it happened to me at all.
The biggest thing I learned is that you need to learn to trust your intuition. Intuition is a funny thing. Sometimes we ignore it, sometimes we heed it, and most times we just chalk it up to being paranoid. But ladies, if you get that feeling (and there’s no way to describe it besides with an italic *that*) that something might be up, listen to it. Not in that insecure, paranoid, crazy way, but really slow down and assess – is this a valid feeling? Meditate on it. Don’t go texting all your girlfriends or your mother to talk about it just yet. Really stop and listen. Look for signs (which I will cover below).
[RELATED: DEAR ANNA DUGGAR: I STAYED, TOO, BECAUSE OF MY FAITH (BUT I SHOULD’VE LEFT)]
My Story: Ignoring My Intuition
The first two times he cheated on me, I was blindsided. I was young, naive and really, really sheltered. They shattered me. After the second time, I began to learn how to trust my instincts and voice my concerns. About a year and a half before I left my ex-husband, I told him I no longer felt comfortable with our babysitter. She had been a close friend and for some reason, I just didn’t feel right with her anymore. My ex told me I was just being insecure and acted annoyed about it. He made me feel like I didn’t trust him. Well, DUH. (I found out later that shortly after that, they started their affair right after that).
Then I started noticing that things didn’t add up, but things he would explain away. Looking back, the signs were clear as day, but there’s a part of you that never wants to believe it. The other part doesn’t want to look like a crazy, controlling, and insecure wife. You’d think after three times, I’d have learned a thing or two, but trust me when I say, some people are really, really good at lying (or “compartmentalizing” as my ex would put it) and hiding bad behavior.
Eighteen months after my initial gut feeling (which I ignored over and over again), I stumbled on definitive proof that he indeed was cheating on me with the former babysitter. Through it all, I have picked up a few signs that to look for if you think he might be cheating on you or engaging in an inappropriate behavior with someone. One or two of these signs by themselves may just be coincidence or it could be more, which is why you need to use your intuition to help guide you. I’ve experienced most of the 8 signs below, and with some help from other divorced lady friends, this is what we came up with.
8 Signs That He’s Cheating On You
Sign #1: He Changes The Password on His Phone (and Won’t Tell You What It Is)
This is a pretty big red flag. If he has nothing to hide from you, then why would he keep the password a secret? Also, turning his phone locator off to “save on battery life.” Suspicious.
Sign #2: His Text Messages/Phone Minutes Significantly Increase
About 2 months before I found out and left my ex, I happened to look at our phone bill. I’m pretty much addicted to my phone and am constantly on it (I know it’s a problem). But when I looked at the amount of text messages I sent (about 5,000 per month) vs. how much he sent (15,000+), it just didn’t make sense. When I questioned him about it, he mumbled something about having a lot of work messages and changed the subject.
One friend said her ex told her, “My phone ran out of memory, so I had to delete my messages.”
Sign #3: His Time Doesn’t Add Up, or He Cannot Be Reached
Back then, I had the bad habit of wanting dessert about 9 pm every night. He’d helpfully offer to go grab me what I wanted, but when he did, it would take much longer than necessary; a 30 minute trip would take him 1.5-2 hours, and he would have no real explanation as to why it took so long. Often, he’d go to “work” but wouldn’t answer his phone or text back for long periods of time and would say he was in a meeting. He’d also go play golf or go to the batting cages with a friend and be gone all day and unreachable.
Sign #4: He Picks Fights With You For No Reason
When my ex was cheating on me (the second time), he was consumed with guilt. This would cause him to have mood swings and take it out on me by picking horrible fights. He would also get defensive very quickly whenever I would ask him seemingly innocent questions.
Sign #5: He Starts Hiding Financial Info From You
I managed all the money in our relationship, and my ex would suddenly appear with hundred dollar bills. When I asked where he got those, he would make up something about having saved it. He actually was keeping the money he was supposed to be depositing into another account.
Sign #6: He Loses Weight, Changes His Physical Appearance
A tell-tale sign that he is cheating is a sudden change in his physical appearance. He begins to show more interest in working out and getting in shape. He may pay more attention to grooming or get new clothes. One friend said her ex “smelled different.” A tell-tale sign is traces of lingering perfume in the car or on his clothes.
Sign #7: He’s No Longer Interested In Sex With You or Your Sex Life Changes
It can go either way. Either he loses interest, or he wants it much more often. Also, there may be a change in technique – so to speak – or a deviation from the norm.
Sign #8: He Accuses You of Cheating
Cheating men will project on you. They may become suspicious, checking your phone, consumed with jealousy, accusing you of cheating. Since they are cheating, they start thinking that perhaps you are cheating as well. Logical, no?
As I mentioned above, these things in and of themselves may be innocent coincidences and again, you must defer to your intuition. I ignored mine too many times for way too long. One night I found solid proof and that was that; I filed for divorce the next day. Sadly, many men will lie through their teeth unless you have definitive proof.
What are other signs of cheating that you’ve experienced? Comment below.
37 thoughts on “You’re Not Going Crazy. 8 Signs He’s Cheating On You.”
Last year my man got caught with a girl in his room I heard her he was acting so weird I seen phone calls to one person in the call log an texts to the one number heaps of times an his room was also weird I hadn’t seen him for 3 to 4 days he stayed away an we were close we were together for 4 years he is always accusing me of cheating I ain’t he us always angry Moody my gut tells me he did cheat or was going to
I have that gut feeling. And it is so strong . The only thing is his time pattern changed a little . I may be wrong , may be paranoid but i can feel something is off. And even if i question it he always gets mad that i am accusing him. I try to ignore as hard as i can cause i think i am paranoid because of past expiriences but something is telling me do not ignore it i feel something is off and i dont know what it is . Someone help
One big mistake I made is that I didn’t trust my intuition. If something is telling you that things aren’t right, likely, something isn’t.
If you’ve had bad experiences, then I suggest you open up to your significant other about them. My boyfriend is very understanding now when I get paranoid and I’ve found that an open line of communication is helpful. Also, not being defensive or putting him on the defensive and not being accusatory has really helped our relationship as well. It definitely wasn’t that way in the beginning though. He would get upset that I did not “trust” him, but the more he started to understand why I was fearful, the more he worked on helping me trust him.
Best of luck Jenny. I hope things work out with you. Let me know if I can help in any way.
I felt the same way. I had a feeling he was talking to someone from his past or was keeping secrets from me. I thought I was just being paranoid and he’d call me jealous. He would tell me to trust him, not worry about what he was doing when I was away and that he would never hurt me like my ex’s did when they cheated. We broke up a lot bc I would inquire about a girl he would be talking to and he would tell me I had no competition. I thought I was ruining our relationship by being insecure bc he told me I was the only one. A year later he flat out told me that he had been cheating on me with a girl in a different state that he had met on tinder before he met me. Said he only kissed her when he went back home… Yeah ok… He also admitted to lying about another girl from a different state who visited him early in our relationship. He told me he would tell me if they have had sex and that she is nothing to worry about. He swore up and down that she would be getting a hotel. We actually fought about it… and after all that she slept in his bed…. A month later he let it slip that he kissed her right before he met me..They didn’t do anything when she visited but how can I trust anything he says now.
It’s definitely difficult to trust someone after they’ve broken your trust repeatedly. I’d listen to your intuition closely on this and see what it’s telling you. Don’t ignore the signs…
Best of luck,
Hi Hanssie, I Have A Similar Situation ..My Intuition Has been driving me wild the last 2months..And I dont know if its more fear of being hurt again are what!! And i say that because my boyfriend of two years told me after a argument an a break up that he was cheating on me. I felt he was, but back then I didnt act on my intuition. Because I Never Caught Him are had no evidence . So He claim he told me so we can work things out and move forward in life..he said he had make a big mistake..3months went by an we gotback together slowly..Since then he goes to work ..comes home..he has given me his passcode to his phone an deleted his facebook…but he kept his messenger.he dosent goes to bars anymore and if he do its once a month are so.he stresses to me that the mistake he made last year he refuse to make it again..he says he refuses to hurt me again ..but heres the catch..hes able to leave his job if he needs to and go back whenever he wants ..sometimes he goes allday without texting are calling me until he gets off…And when he does its very limited conversation…at times when i try to come on to him he says hes tired are hes not in the mood…as if he just isnt interested..we may be sexually active once are twice a month..And when he do its quick and over..we use to be very sexual active but things has changed. When i ask him is it somebody else are is he loosing interest..he says No im the only one hes going to be with for the rest of his life and that hes sorry he promise he’ll start doing better by me because im his queen ..But for the last two months my gut has been telling me different…Do you have any advice for me at all? If so please share it with me! Thank you so much.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Ultimately, you can’t be 100% sure if he is or if he isn’t. You can only go by your gut and how much you are willing to take. It sounds like you aren’t happy with the way things are right now in your relationship. Have you asked him why he’s lost interest in you physically? A lot of couples do go through a slow down in their sex life after about 2 years so that may factor in.
Are you willing to give him the benefit of the doubt? Have you brought up all of these concerns with him? If not, I think it’s time that you do and instead of approaching this from a fear that he’s cheating standpoint, come at it from a, we need to work on our relationship standpoint . and these are the reasons why. If you just accuse him or assume he is cheating, he may become defensive and deny that he is. And maybe he isn’t cheating again, maybe he has been busy with work or has a lot on his mind and just needs some space. I’m sorry I cannot give more concrete advice, besides seeking to understand him and where he is coming from and really communicate without blame or assuming that he is cheating. If he is cheating, eventually there will be a slip up somewhere. There always is.
I know it’s a rough place. Hang in there and best of luck to you <3
My Partner slept with my sister after we had argued. We resolved everything , it took a long time. Now my ut feeling tells me he is at it again with a girl he works with. I caught them both shopping together he also deletes all of his messages which is something new. I caught him talking to her on his mobile he told me she called him when l asked him to prove it and show me his phone he had deleted his call list. My gut feeling is screaming at me.
Those are definitely alarming signs and I’m sorry that you are going through this. From experience, when your gut is telling you something, there most likely is something to be concerned about. It could be exactly what you think or it could be something else, but our intuition is there for a reason. Wishing you the best and hopefully, you can get resolution on this soon.
I have lived with m boyfriend for almost 10 years. For the first 5-6 years we had a good, loving relationship. About 2 years ago, I went through menopause, and it became painful to have intercourse, so we were limited to oral sex. He told me that he could not promise not to have outside sex, that he was not ready to live without (great) sex. I was stunned, but didn’t know what to make of it, if he would act on it? when would it happen? It bothered me a great deal, but I didn’t say anything about it. Meanwhile, I started to observe interactions between him and his young secretary. He went on an all day road trip with her without telling me, only told me in the middle of the trip. There were lesser moments, like going to the table at a group dinner with her without waiting for me. Getting angry and defensive when I said something even mildly critical of something she had done. Mostly it amounts to several text messages in which he says “thinking of you” and she replies”I fucking love you!” or most recently, he text her to say he will be at the hotel soon. That was the last straw. I was devastated. We went on vacation recently, and I saw that he called her 3 out of 5 days, very early am when he went for a drive to get coffee.
My problem is that since I came across the hotel text, I have been so upset about this that I begin shaking violently when I think of it. I have gone over in my mind, what I want to say to him without attacking him or having an emotional meltdown on my part. Yet, I have not been able to talk to him about it. I think I’m getting there, but I’m not sure I can do it.
I’m really sorry that you are going through this.
Unfortunately, he was honest with you and from what you’ve shared, it does sound like he may be seeking outside companionship. As for talking to him about it, I believe you can do it; you are strong enough! Eventually, you will need to make the difficult decision though, if indeed he is in a relationship with this other woman and if you’re willing to put up with it. Remember that communication is the key to every successful relationship.
Best of luck,
Well he’s obviously cheating on me again in our second pregnancy. his text messages significantly increase and I can’t say anything because he’s realtor his time doesn’t add up but again he says he’s a realtor he picks fights with me for no reason and is on guard all the time he’s also has been really nice to me he’s actually buying me a lot more things and I find that to be guilty and he’s working out way too much no sex which I honestly don’t care because I don’t find him sexually attractive because I feel he’s cheating and has cheated on me with my first pregnancy that I know of and he accuses me of cheating when I’m freaking pregnant with our 2nd baby and going to school he only does it when I come home an hour or 30 min late from school so I wouldn’t be surprised if he is anymore I’m hurt and used to it and I know he’s not for me but for now he’s the only resource I have as for living so in the mean time I’ll use my resources until I am stable #shitty resources
I’m really sorry you are going through this. Be strong for your baby and yourself. There are definitely other resources out there that might be able to help. Wishing you the best.
I get into arguments about my boyfriend and he takes off 5-6 days at a time,My gutt tells me strongly but he looks me in the eyes & swears ,or writes notes makes that him so believable I forgot what happened in fight.i want to believe him and I get extremely depressed when hes gone. I know better than put up with it but cant let go. My gutt tells me prostitutes are involved yet i talk my self out of believing.He once stayed several days with his male friend who has a woman is a prostitute and he doesn t mind sharing.I believe hes using drugs again and i believe he constantly cheats. Am I crazy or how can I put this to rest. He sometimes asks me to do things involving another woman and later when I ask about it he says it was just a in the moment not in real life…Hes been in prison 10 YEARS.i AM NOT AN UNATTRACTIVE DESPERATE OR IGNORANT WOMAN.i HAVE FOUND MAKE UP IN HIS CAR HE CANT EXPLAIN SEVERAL TIMES NOW. HE SWEARS STILL HE WOULD NEVER CHEAT.YES HE HAS A HISTORY OF CHEATING WITH ALL HI EXS. I HAVE ONLY BEEN IN A FEW RELATIONSHIPS SINCE MY DIVORCE 5 YEARS AGO WHICH WAS TRAUMATIZING.I HAD BEEN MARRIED FROM OR TOGETHER WITH EX MAN FROM AGE 15-38. I DATED A FEW MEN AFTER HIM WHO TREATED ME GREAT ,BUT THIS ONE IM IN LOVE WITH AND CANT TELL WTF IM FEELING PLEASE HELP!!he also stays away for days after our fights .I get angry and cuss him tore up stuff of his and i need advice how to walk away or trust him.whats reasonable for me to ask him to do,
Thanks for sharing your story. I hear you and I understand your frustration. Although you can really never be 100% sure, it does seem like some alarming signs are there. You aren’t crazy to be suspicious and although I cannot tell you what to do or how to do it, I can say that it would be beneficial for you to take a step back and ask yourself a few questions:
1. Is this the person I want to be? If not, who do I want to be and what’s the next step in getting there
2. Where is my responsibility in this? (Not saying this is your fault – please don’t think that – but until we take 100% responsibility of our lives, you won’t be able to live your full potential.
3. Am I wasting my precious energy worrying about/living in this situation? (We only have so much energy to use in a day/a life, is this how you want to use it?)
I know you’re hurting and it’s hard and you’re confused. I don’t know who you are or your circumstances but I encourage you to remember who you are and set your boundaries of what you will and will not accept in your life. If that choice is to trust him and stay with him then, use your energy and strength to do so fully. If it isn’t, then know that it may be difficult to leave someone you love, but you can do it and you will survive it and be a stronger person because of it. I can’t tell you how to live your life, only you know what is best for you. I wish you the best of luck.
I am engaged to be married and suspect something is going on with my fiancé. Right now I don’t know if I am just paranoid, looking for signs or if it is happening. I have no solid proof, of course. But, recently, I decided to look through his phone and saw a text with an access code from a dating site called Bumble. I went to him, told him, and his reply was he got an email from Bumble stating he hadn’t used his account in a year (which we were broken up at the time) and he had to get a code to sign in and delete the account. Sure, it could happen I suppose. But I also have found 3 facebook accounts in his name (he says he has no facebook); one of which has a picture of him and his family (from 10 years ago when he was married). And, we have a mutual friend…his sister. He swears up and down he has NO facebook account. I know of 2 email accounts other than his work. I called him on it and he says he has no other email accounts. Here’s the kicker…if I try to sign into facebook with either of these “accounts he doesn’t have”, facebook recognizes the email and states my password is wrong (I just make up the password to see if FB recognizes the email). When I just make up some email address to sign in, FB says “email address not recognized” Hopefully I am making sense. We have had many discussions on my insecurities with the relationship. We broke up twice but this 3rd time he has tried much harder in the relationship to ease my mind. To talk things through. After finding the BUmble text, he once again was patient and reassuring, swearing he would never do this. Swearing he would not put his family, children, grandchildren through this. I mean, they call me Grandma now. I can’t see him risking all this; his family loves me and would be so upset if he was cheating on me. I just don’t know what to do. I brought it up again, days after finding the Bumble thing , accusing him of having these facebook accounts and other emails, and he is so very angry with me because I can’t drop it, or let it go. He told me my behavior says I don’t trust him, and that he is not going to walk on eggshells the rest of his life. He wants to be with me forever, but if I don’t get a grip on my fears and insecurities that I will be the one to ruin this relationship. Help!! I love this man with all my heart and I don’t know where to go from here.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I know that it can be hard and you feel like you’re crazy at times. Unfortunately, you have to either decide to trust him and move forward, making the difficult decision to take him at his word or risk your relationship. After my ex, I had a really hard time trusting someone again. And even now, almost 7 years in my new relationship, I still freak out and wonder “who is that text from?” or “is he faithful?” But I have to remind myself of everything he has done to earn my trust. And he had to work really hard to do so. When those freak out moments happen, I remember the type of person he is, the way he treats me and the patience he’s had with me in my insecurities.
But there’s always that little voice in my head that says, “what if,” and when I can’t seem to silence it, I remember that if he or anyone cheated on me again, I’d be okay. Yes, it would suck and yes it would hurt, but I’ve lived through it and god forbid it should happen again, I will be strong enough to withstand it. That brings me comfort and helps me move forward in trusting my guy.
I hope that helps a little bit in some way <3
Is He Cheating? Let Your Intuition Be Your Guide
This is really beautiful and something I really needed to read. I have been dating my bf for about 9 months now and have this gut feeling as well. However, I don’t know if its true or if its just insecurity. He really hasn’t given me any reason to NOT trust him. The only thing that bothers me is he really doesnt post much of me on his social media- now, his IG is simply for professional reasons so I can see that but his facebook is pretty personal. It took us 4 months to even become friends! Now that we are, he does post things about me there, his family posts pictures of us from the holiday etc. However, his phone goes off a lot. Sometimes I glance on accident and see who its from- usually its family or a friend but three times its been from this girl he knows, a friend of a friend. Ive brought it up a few times, and he claims its her reaching out for whatever reason (group Facebook messages/coordinating something for their mutual friend etc). The last time I saw her name was actually on his laptop (his texts are connected to his iMac). I walked by and saw a conversation between them- i didnt read it, out of respect, but brought it up to him. He calmly told me that he didnt know what I was talking about and that any texts up there were probably old because his computer was updating. He said that they have talked in the past about random things but havent in a very long time. He was very patient and understanding. I asked to check and then he got REALLY mad because he said I didnt trust him. Ever since then his computer is always screen locked if hes not on it. He had a relationship in the past where she had to check his phone all the time and he didnt want to repeat that. He said if I went to check his computer than he would know trust was gone and thats not the relationship he wants to have. His ex didnt trust him and always felt that he was cheating and hes very sensitive to that so I have to tread lightly. He promises me that hes never cheated on anyone before. The only other thing was I DID find a box of condoms in his drawer ( we dont use them). Its very likely they are from before we met but it still makes me uncomfortable. I counted them- so I know how many are in there, and this way I’ll check from time to time and if one (or more) is missing, welp. Theres my proof.
It should also be said- besides these things I’m looking for as proof, hes done NOTHING to make me think I cant trust him. We spend almost every day/night together. We share our locations with each other on our phones (which i honestly always forget about). There hasnt been a weekend since July that we’ve spent apart, and the nights we do, we talk on the phone before bed. Weve taken multiple trips together where hes posted pictures/videos of me, and we are planning more. He also just asked me to move in with him.
Bottom line, my gut is telling me that maybe he did have a thing with someone before me that he had a hard time letting go. I do struggle with insecurity about my looks/body like any women does. My gut says he doesnt have much patience for this in relationships. He makes me so happy and a part of me feels like this is too good to be true and my gut is telling me that the more I think that, the more I’m creating a self fulfilling prophesy. I think the best thing to do is be the supportive girlfriend, respect his privacy and give him the benefit of the doubt. Trust the universe has my back and will show me signs if this is not the path I am supposed to be on. The more trusting, loving and supportive I am- then the more respect he’ll have for me, and love and the closer we’ll become as opposed to accusing him and pushing him away. Then, if he DOES cheat- at least I can say I did all I could with what I had and gave him nothing but trust and love and he ruined it.
Thank you for reaching out. Intuition (our gut feeling) can be a funny thing and when it comes to circumstances where we think we just *know* something, it can be us telling stories to ourselves based on past experiences or insecurity. Or it can be the reality that deep down we know is true. The problem with gut feelings is that we can never be 100% sure until after the fact.
I can only talk from my own experience and yes, my ex cheated on me numerous times. There were numerous signs and there was my gut. Now, for the last 7 years, I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man and he makes me happy. We are together all the time, but he does spend a ton of time on his phone, messaging family and friends and he also does have friends that are women. So I totally understand where you’re coming from. But I trust him. Have I always trusted him? No, because my baggage made trusting people difficult, but through time and through him continuously showing me that he was trustworthy (and a TON OF PATIENCE on his part), I choose to trust him. And sometimes choosing trust over my insecurities is so so so hard and I remind myself exactly as you do – that he’s done nothing for me to not trust him, I need to be a supportive gf, and respect him. I also tell myself that if (god forbid) he does cheat, I have and will survive. (Also, my guy doesn’t post much about me on social either).
I don’t know your exact situation or circumstances. Based on what you’ve told me, it sounds like you have a great man that loves you. It also sounds like you know the answer deep down – (this is key – “The more trusting, loving and supportive I am- then the more respect he’ll have for me, and love and the closer we’ll become as opposed to accusing him and pushing him away.”)
You can never be 100% sure, but you can choose to give the benefit of the doubt and be happy working on your insecurities and being the amazing woman he fell in love with. Keep working on being that awesome woman and know that no matter what happens, if anything should happen, you’re a strong, beautiful person that continues to grow in spite of life’s challenges.
Best of luck to you,
I feel the same way I don’t know what to do.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way.Have you talked to your significant other?
my husband is having and affair he thinks i don’t know. i don’t know how to approach the situation. i want a divorce
I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this.
My advice is to make sure you are safe and have the support you need when you talk to him. I’d suggest you have all your paperwork and plans ready to go if you are sure you want a divorce. I don’t think I followed any of the above when I confronted my ex about it, but I wish I had. It would’ve hurried the process along I think.
I was also able to show uncontested proof of his affair so he really had no leg to stand on.
No matter how you approach it, try and stay calm and safe.
best of luck,
thanks for the feed back. i am need to process this. i know he is having an affair i am nervous.
My boyfriend of 3 years and I have a 17 month old baby girl. We met and instantly fell in love, he moved in with me about 3 months later. I found out I was expecting that month, I had an extremely rough pregnancy, preclampsia, gestational diabetes, high blood pressure… he isn’t the type to console or comfort, his mother wasn’t really that nurturing. My third trimester we started fighting every now and then, nothing to concern me yet. I gave birth, due to complications I was put on strict bed rest, my newborn also had colic, and reflux pretty bad. She wouldn’t let me rest rarely ever. Bf couldn’t jump in and help, or take over, baby wanted momma, and I was the only one that could sooth her. At this point we started fighting more, I ended up leaving for a week to my parents house. He left to another state to go sword fishing, with no communication or knowledge about his plans. I was crushed, and was confused about what was happening. He’s usually a commercial crab/tuna fisherman, but decided to take a random trip to California from Washington for a swordfish season. My father owns a boat, I’ve grew up in a fishing community my whole life, I know enough about it, that I know he wouldn’t barely benefit financially from this trip, as its usually a leisure, and playful trip. He was gone 2 months, rarely contacted me when he was in Port, and when he did it was through text only. He came home, at this point I was just so relieved to get help with baby, I didn’t push for details about his trip. About 3 months go by, only fighting every so often, I thought we were getting back to normal. One night I went to grab a lighter out of his pocket while sleeping on the couch for my cigarette, he’s a notorious lighter clepto. Anywho, I reached in his pocket and pulled out a meth pipe! My self being a recovering addict of 5 years, I was completely shocked. We fought for awhile about it, then I gave in, because being an addict myself, I know relapse is a part of recovery. I agreed to look past it, as long as it didn’t keep happening. We started planning a family vacation driving the coast of California, I had never been there and had dreamed about it since I was a kid. As soon as we stepped foot down in California our truck broke down, after getting an estimate we found out it was unrepairable. He had his mechanic friend drive from Washington to us to help salvage what we could because we had just recently pulled money into it. He arrived the next day, they left to go look for a junk yard, to see if they could part it there because we were staying at a nice resort and didn’t want to leave a mess. Bf told me to order champagne and get ready for a day of celebration on the beach. So I spent 2 hours getting dolled up, ordered champagne and waited…and waited…my dad called me and I was told he was going to propose to me. I was excited, but then he didn’t show up til late that night, I had already put baby down for bed for the night. I was very let down, he told me he forgot about our plans. I got really frustrated because I noticed he was high out of his mind. We fought bad, then he left baby and I in hotel rooms for the remainder of the trip. He would come to our hotel every now and then to check on baby, and to fight some more. He was still using, back and forth, saying he most disrespectful things to me, just mentally breaking me down. We have a joint account, he had taken my card to pull out money from atms for a new vehicle as atms only allot so much to be withdrawn at a time. The second to last night I was there, we got a more affordable hotel for us 3, 2 queen beds, and also his friend a separate hotel with a 2 queen bed room both for 4 nights a piece. Didn’t last long, had one sip of my coffee before he got agitated and we were fighting again, he left again.?. The next day I was done with this so called “family vacation ” I booked a flight home for baby and myself. I left at 5am that morning his friend came to see us off and made sure we got in our town car okay. I land a few hours later and get a message from his friend saying he hadn’t heard from my bf for the whole day, he was trying to get ahold of him to get money for gas to come home. I sent him money, and messaged my bf, asked him where he was, what he was doing, explained that his friend had been waiting all day for him, for funding so he could leave. Nothing.?. Neither me or his friend heard from him til about 5 that night. He sent him money and his Friend started driving back, bf came home 2 days after flew home? No vehicle? No more money? We brought $20,000 on our trip, there was $13,000 when I left. I transferred $5,000 to my other account to get a car since 3 weeks wasn’t enough time for him to get another vehicle…I got on our computer to check emails and bank statements, this is where it gets interesting…. he had pulled out $8,0000 and spent it in 2 days with nothing to show for when he got back. Then I found statements from a 3rd hotel he had booked for 2 people 2 queen beds at another separate hotel. So 3 different hotels were purchased, my hotel had 2 days left after I flew out, as did his friends hotel? And who was this 2nd person staying with him at this hotel? His friend got home the night he himself got home, I had previously spoken to his friend and he has assured me he hadn’t been in contact nor did he stay there with him. My bf tried telling me he stayed with him and was there the whole time, I had messages proving he was lying. Then he went and spoke to his friend, came back with him, so he could tell me he was actually with him, so basically retracting his previous statement about not being in contact with him. Brocode? Since I didn’t have physical evidence, I have since been stressing, with the emptiest feeling that he’s having an affair or randomly hooked up with someone on our vacation. I’ve been backing up files from his phone, he downloaded an encryption app and deleted the last 3 days from our trip out of all his activities on his accounts. I’ve been downloading decoders and training myself to decrypt files so I can access them. I can read bits and pieces, definitely enough to send up huge red flags. He swears up and down he didn’t cheat, but his demeanor and actions tell me otherwise, I started interrogation on his ass, got him to admit that he watches a lot of porn, and chatted with girls “in passing” at the bars? Yahhhhh OKAY! Then while I’m digging into the computer trying to recover files, he’s practically breathing down my neck watching me sweating, screaming at me that I’m stupid, I’m not going to find anything, and that I don’t know what I’m doing with the computer…lol he even went as far as to try to convince me that since I didn’t find any solid proof, nothing happened, and I was making it all up. Even had my family thinking I was crazy for awhile…gaslighting came easy for him, a little too easy?!?! I’ve been a roller-coaster of emotions, he’s super cunning, and good at trying to flip the whole situation on me, blaming me for everything.?. I’m almost positive I know what he did, but due to covid, and finance being able to afford a new place yet, were stuck under the same roof, co parenting. I try to stay in my room as much as I can, he keeps denying it, and swearing on everything that he’s never cheated, and keeps trying to win me back…I’m sooooo heart broken, and confused…thanks for your time and feedback.
Sincerely a broken, faithful ,mother. God Bless
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for you and your baby for all you’ve been through. I know it’s difficult right now and being in the same home and co-parenting in the middle of this is something I know all too well.
As a recovering addict, I admire you wanting the best for yourself and your baby and getting away from a toxic relationship is the best thing you can do. Make sure you stay safe and strong. You can do this for you and your little one.
I found out my husband cheated on me back in June that him and the other woman been talking since April. She contacted me and told me everything somewhat and so I confronted him about it and he told me what he wanted to tell me. He told me he blocked her number and he will not contact her again that all of what he did was a mistake. Now we trying to make it work but something in me telling me something is still not right with him. We haven’t had sex in a month in a half since the situation; not my part but his. I ask him what’s wrong why he dnt want to have sex or touch me and his excuse is always ive been tired but he seem to find energy for the gym and for his friends. He still hide his phone, or turn his phone over. I don’t know his password and he won’t give it to me. I don’t know what to do and I’m tired of all of this. My mind is wondering is he still contacting the girl or is he entertaining someone else or is he simply tired of me and just lying saying he ain’t tired of me to keep me from leaving him and taking the kids with me.
I’m really sorry that you are struggling. Experience has shown me that intuition is a tricky thing – I didn’t listen to it for a long time and when I finally did, I was right. But it was a lot of doubting myself and asking if I were crazy. If you feel like something is wrong, I’d talk to your husband and tell him your concerns. If he refuses to be transparent with you, especially after he cheated on you so recently, that is a red flag (in my opinion). Someone who wants to make a relationship work should be willing to go the extra mile to repair what he broke. It took me being in a healthy relationship with a man that was willing to be completely open and honest with me to finally understand that. I’m not a professional and cannot tell you what you should/shouldn’t do, but I encourage you to figure out what is best for you and your kids first.
I wish you the best in this.
my man has little to know interest in me these days . we dont have sex anymore and when i asked him about it he argues with me about it. my gut feeling is he doesnt love me anymore and im stupid for thinking he loves me. its werid now.. he used to get arroused just watching a movie with me now its not happening ever.and he lies alot , and then when i catch him in a lie he switches up on me and says im doing something wrong! idk.. i kinda feel stupid ,
I’m really sorry to hear that you are struggling. Don’t feel stupid, you are right to feel concerned as your relationship is not where you’d like it to be. Keep trying to communicate with him with openness and honesty; he may shows signs he’s cheating but keep an open mind that it could be something else as well.
best of luck,
I was married for 33 years and my husband left
Me for a woman advertising on the internet. That was 4 years ago. I met a guy that just swept me off my feet. He’s charming, intelligent, funny and for 2 years we’ve had so much fun. About 3 months ago his phone went off at 1:00AM. It didn’t wake him so I picked up his phone. It was a text from a college student (he’s 64). It said I can’t meet you at the country club today. I’ve decided that I’m not
The person to help you. My heart was shattered. When I asked him about it he replied”I met her at a lunch one day and I asked her to help me with a project.” He didn’t know if she had technology but she was young and ALL college students understand computers.” He stopped sending me
Flowers . The nighttime calls stopped. (We don’t live together). I let it go. We have so much fun together and he tells me all the time how much he loves me. Within 2 weeks I was visiting and he left his phone on the nightstand. I opened it and there were several pictures of women from a website. My heart was shattered. I threw a fit and was out of control. He was devastated. Since that time 3 more situations have happened to create more anxiety for me. I stay upset all the time because I don’t trust him. The last situation just last week I saw where he had called a store and had a gift delivered to someone. (Of I have to check his phone to trust O can’t handle that. My temper is off the charts and I say a lot of mean things. I love him but I know he’s lying. He now says he’s so hurt by my outburst that he’s about to have a nervous breakdown. We are not married but I love him very much. He now says I am fabricating these things and I have support for all of this. He said yesterday that he doesn’t want to talk to me because I’ve hurt him. What should I do? Give him some space like he requested or walk away. I’m 62, a bank President and have a wonderful life. I don’t need this drama and I will not live feeling insecure and paranoid. I’m not acting like myself which I hate too. Checking phones and constantly being a detective is not me. And I feel guilty for the way I talk to him. What do I do? Back away and sit down when everything is calm? Or could he be right about me having a explosive temper. Which has never been me until now. Please give your opinion. I need clarity so I can make a decision.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you are struggling.
I’m not a professional by any means, but in my opinion, it sounds like you know deep down what you want to do. Ask yourself:
Is this the person you want to be?
Is this the relationship you want to have?
Is clinging so tightly to something that it changes who you know yourself to be worth it?
And most importantly,
What could you do differently to change the above?
There is no right answer to any of the above questions. Only what is right for you. And only you know what is right for you.
I wish you the best.
My husband is still cheating on me and it’s been years now. Help!
I’m so sorry that you are struggling. Unfortunately, you can’t control his behavior but you can control yours – and what you will and won’t tolerate.
It’s not easy but ultimately, you can only change yourself.
My husband is still cheating on me! Help!