Popular

I’ve always wanted to be popular. Well, like, secretly.

I didn’t really like attention drawn to me as I was a bit shy and very insecure. But secretly, I would hope that I’d one day somehow garner a few votes for Homecoming Queen or something. Not that in my school of 1200, more than 20 people knew who I was, but there was always that small hope that when they announced the homecoming court, I’d come out of hiding from behind my long, black permed hair and get my crown.

20 years later, I don’t hide as often from attention, and I don’t dream of being on the homecoming court anymore, but a part of me still is searching for the accolades from my peers. A part of me longs more than ever before for acceptance and popularity – in my work, in my life, in my accomplishments.

My ego wants the stroking.  I’m not above that. So even though I care less now at 36 about what people think of me, I still desire what my 16-year-old self desired – the acceptance and the acknowledgement of people around me.

I’m not sure I’ll ever grow out of that. It’s in my blueprint.

One thought on “Popular

  1. I do not self-identify with the label of Feminist very often, but do believe that we are conditioned from a very young age to feel shame regarding ambition and, worst of all, a desire for notoriety. This is not stamped on the male contingent in a similar fashion, which is a positive because no one should second guess a desire for attention. I’m not saying it is ideal to need constant ego-stroking to survive, but everyone could benefit from well-deserved praise now and then! I just discovered your work and think it’s brilliant, so here’s a thumbs up from a random stranger.

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