Confusion.
I feel like more often than not, this is the state that is interwoven through the fabric of my fun and adventures. Yes, people are envious of my life for various reasons – my freedom, my experiences, my ability to travel all over. One friend even commented on how I “always seem to have a gorgeous male on my arm.” Haha.
Perceptions can be deceiving…
Don’t get me wrong, I am really thankful for my new found freedom –freedom to live, to explore, to love, but more often than not, for a formerly Type A person, freedom is more scary than fun. If you want to get really deep here (“That’s What She Said…” Haha. Sorry, I had to…), the reason I travel so much comes from the deep-seated fear of being alone. I have fully let go of my formerly introverted love of laying in bed with nothing to keep me company but the characters from a good book and have morphed into a mass of seemingly random and errant emotions that can pop up at any time, especially if I find myself alone at home. If I am not with someone, or talking to someone, going somewhere or doing something, I fall into an almost desolate despondency. I sometimes feel like I’m a weird mixture of confidence and insecurity, with a whole heck of a lot of baggage, emotions, and a cherry on top.
For the first time in 8 years, I have begun to have anxiety attacks again caused by my feelings of being off-balance and lack of control of my life. I hate them. It makes me feel like I’m not even in control of my own body.
When I feel this way, I am thankful to have good friends who talk me through and remind me that everything is going to be ok, I can’t always be in control (even if I am the Queen of Everything) and that I can choose to be happy.
So, I’m feeling a bit confused. A bit insecure. A bit alone. And way out of control…but I am CHOOSING to be happy. Dammit.
This post makes me feel naked, but when I started this journey, I vowed to put it all out there –the good, the bad and the ugly. Today, you got some of the bad and the ugly…thanks for reading and being a part of my journey. XOXO.
This is a great post and I am sure will talk to many people. I know in the first months of living here I was very confused about what I was going to do now. Over time it went away but now with another move in a few weeks all the emotion is coming back and I just keep trying to focus on concrete tasks to get me through.
Totally hear you girl.. thanks for being honest. I’m here for you!
Hi Hanssie, you know my face from the shootouts and workshops. Last Wednesday being one of them. I wanted to approach you last week (at Shoot Dot Edit) but doubted the seminar was the right time. I read about your recent freedom & for some reason you’ve been on my heart. So I’ve prayed for you. Because I’ve been there. Twice divorced. Single mom (my kids are grown now). Wait, let me rephrase that, STRUGGLING single mom. Lived with stigma because I’m Christian. The confusion, vulnerability, despondency, loneliness is normal but difficult nonetheless. I’m sorry about the anxiety attacks. I have so much to say but just know that you will learn, survive, live, and LOVE. This is my feeble attempt at encouraging you. 🙂
I empathize, girl. I really do. I am STILL fighting my way out of this crazy situation I’ve found myself in. Especially since looks can be deceiving. All people usually get to see are the good things that live on your Facebook wall… the fabulous pictures and stories of how strong you are, how fabulous life is, yada yada yada. But it’s like wearing makeup… no one really gets to see what lurks beneath the “cover-up.” Now, it’s not like the Facebook world is FAKE, it’s just that there’s so much more to the story. And in this world we live in now where our social status is plastered out there constantly (almost as if we are attending a 24-7 high school reunion), it’s more and more difficult to cop to the big picture. For me, there are 2 times when I fight loneliness the most. In my night-time routine, just before I get into bed… and realize there’s no one there but me (and my dog). And secondly, when I wake up on the weekends, and the entire day stretches out before me. There’s no one to snuggle with, no one to watch cartoons with, and no one to plan my days with. It’s just me. And it sometimes gets lonely under those covers.