Let Go.

I was vacationing in Sequoia once, and we were swimming in the river. We came upon a small bridge, and one of the people in our group had the great idea of jumping off of it into the water. It wasn’t that far of a drop, and I am normally not affected by heights, but as I climbed up on the bridge, forced by peer pressure and stupid pride, I started envisioning my 110lb body being smashed to pieces as I hit the water. (Okay, so, I’m not really sure what happens to a body when it hits water at a high speed, so indulge me). I watched as everyone else jumped in gleefully. I clutched the rail tightly and wished that my turn would just pass me by. But it didn’t, and soon enough, everyone looked up at me expectantly, waiting for me to let go of the rail and jump. I took a deep breath and let go of one hand, but the other hand wouldn’t release. I looked down, and still, something inside me refused to let go. I clung to the safety of the railing for probably 10 minutes. 10 long, long, looooooonnnnng minutes. Eventually, my pride took over, I took a deep breath and forcibly made myself let go. And it wasn’t that bad. Obviously, I survived.

Because I am consistent, I don’t let go of things easily. Past hurts, offenses, friendships, relationships, etc. I just find myself clinging – even if it (or a person) makes me miserable. And again it just all comes down to fear. I am afraid to let go for one reason or another and usually, when I eventually let go, it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it’s usually freeing. Sometimes it is painful, but never as bad as I make it out to be in my mind. Letting go of a failed marriage, letting go of anger, letting go of hurt, letting go of a toxic friend/relationship…it’s difficult.

I had a conversation with my roommate the other day about how she is very quick to let go of people/thoughts that affect her life negatively more than positively. She just doesn’t have the emotional energy to keep these types of people/thoughts around. She is wise. As much as the idea makes sense to me, there is a part of me (a huge, scary, ugly part) that wants to hang on to the hurt, wants to hang on to that person. The uncourageous, cautious part of me would rather hold fast to the familiar than venture into the unknown. Because the unknown is scary…and might not be as safe as what I am clinging to.

Life is hard. I know it’s a cliche but right now, every single day seems to have a new challenge to overcome. I feel like I am in an uphill battle with no end in sight.  There are a lot of things I have to let go of, and they overwhelm me. Today, I am weary.

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