Just An Option


My guzband (gay husband –seriously, every single gal needs one) and I were just talking on the phone the other night about dating and how and when to become exclusive with someone. He was in a situation where he and his significant other were deciding if they want to see other people or be exclusive and it got me thinking…

Warning: here comes another rant on how I hate the dating game written at 3 am when I have insomnia.

I’ve watched two seasons of the Bachelor. Don’t judge me. And though amusing, I’ve always thought that it really sucked that all these women would just trip over themselves over one man. Sure, the man was good looking and rich and had the perfect body, but competing with 24 other women for one man’s attention? Let this one man have his own little Baskin Robbins if you will and allowing him to choose his “flavor” while women scramble all over each other to impress him?

No thank you.

I know my only experience with real dating and having a boyfriend happened in the age when dinosaurs roamed the earth, but when I met my ex-husband in college, we went out on our first date, then a second date and then pretty much dated exclusively. There wasn’t a talk to see if he was seeing anyone else. He didn’t say,” I’m not looking for anything serious, so I’m texting 4 other girls.” There weren’t any catfights to see who would be the victor in winning one man’s affections. I never had to question if he was interested in me and only me. I was free to be myself. Was it because I was in the “church culture?” (I really don’t know here, so people, feel free to inform me…)

Now, being in the single world for a bit, I have quickly realized that in the dating world in the age of the Internet and online dating and all, I am but one of many options to men and vice versa. That at any given time, a man I’m seeing could be dating a few other women as well, and until you two decide to become “exclusive” it’s all fair game and no one is “looking for anything serious.” Even a popular dating “expert” advises something called “circular dating,” where you do not become exclusive with a man and you have fun dating men until you get a ring on your finger from the one you want. I don’t like that.

I feel like because of online dating and, I don’t know the media I guess, there are so many people to choose from that there is no effort placed in meeting and getting to know someone then getting to really value someone because of who they are, their idiosyncrasies and quirks. And therefore people have become lazy, discarding, and moving on to the next person in line if one person becomes too much work or effort.

Am I expecting too much t0 ask a man to get to know me and to see my worth without me jumping up and down yelling, “Pick me! Pick me!” Am I arrogant in thinking that I am an awesome, attractive, intelligent woman worth making the effort to get to know and pursue exclusively? (Note: I said, “pursue exclusively.” I DID NOT say, “Put a Ring on It” after the first date…)

Or is this what dating has been all along?

If it is, then count me out. If the next man I am interested in says, “I’m not looking for anything serious” and has 24 other long-stemmed roses that he’s looking to give out, I’m RUNNING the other way. I am NOT someone’s second choice and I am DEFINITELY NOT just another option.

One thought on “Just An Option

  1. Circular dating? REALLY? I’m with you on this one. I’m known as a “serial monogamist.” I GET that people might not want to be exclusive right away, but c’mon… invest some time here. I tried seeing two people at once, and it was EXHAUSTING. There’s not enough energy to invest in that when you’re actually trying to get to KNOW the people; treating them more than shiny objects to hold your attention for a moment or two.

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