Every morning I wake up, and after hitting the snooze button a few times, check my email and wake up to a handful of messages from my online suitors.

Over and over again, my heart is won over by the amazing first impressions of the men that have made contact by sending me a message, a winky face or a dirty joke…

Gentlemen, thank you so much for taking the time to write. Here’s what I absolutely adored about your profile:

Your Profile Picture: I really love the really closeup shots of your face. You know, the ones where I can see all your pores. Or the ones of you far far away, cause honestly, I could’ve just googled “Man surfing/camping/skiing/insert activity here” and posted that picture. Or the one where there are 6 people in the shot and you don’t identify yourself. Or where in every picture, your eyes are covered by sunglasses. Or the ones of your cat/dog/possum/iguana. And Please, Please, Please post more pictures of you taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror. Especially without a shirt on. Because your iPhone doesn’t have a front-facing camera feature and you certainly can’t go outside and ask someone, anyone, to please take a quick picture of you. But even better, just post a picture of your fantastic abs, because you know that always compels me to click. Oh, and even better, don’t post a picture at all and leave me to wonder…

Your User Name: When you have anything in your username like “Balls,” “Naked,” “Romeo,” “Dawg,” or “XXX” in your username, not only am I compelled to click on your profile, I’m also compelled to blog about you and mock you to my friends.

Your About Me Summary: When you say, “I don’t really like to talk about myself, so I won’t. You can ask me anything when we meet,” I can TOTALLY see your humility and genuineness and it really makes me want to get to know you more. It’s also impressive when you say that you want a woman who is intelligent and can use complete sentences, but your profile is riddled with grammar and spelling errors. Or when you post a poem written by someone else tells me everything I need to know about you–that I don’t want to make an effort either.

Your Email Message:

1. If you email like U text

2. You spell the word “would,” W-O-O-D

3. You leave me 10 numbers with the words TXT ME, your height and your name

4. You copy and paste a pre-written message, and then three days later, send me the same copy and pasted message

5. Send me a tacky, sexual joke; or the ever witty, “hi” (not capitalized or anything)

…You make me want to do one thing –and that is to hit the delete button.

I really, really wish there was a sarcasm font…no really, here is an example of what I see on a daily basis: