Tonight I baked cookies and French braided the Kidlet’s hair in the attempt to feel motherly, I guess. Being a single mom sucks. Well, even when I wasn’t a single mom, I spent the last few years of my failing marriage trying to rebuild myself and working constantly and that sucked. My constant and biggest fear is that my Kidlet, who will be eight in a few weeks, will fall to the wayside in the hustle and bustle of my life. I hate that.

Already I cling onto the very few days that I have her during the week, but even that is marred by my constant presence behind a computer screen. Most days are spent in the car, with her doing schoolwork while I run from one thing to the next. One day we were in the living room mimicking each other jokingly. My roommate did a whiny girl impression of her and she laughed. Then she mimicked me and she acted like she was typing on an imaginary computer screen. It broke my heart. I hate that.

On the weekends, she is influenced by people and things that I cannot control. I have to just try to be the best mom, teacher, mentor, coach I can be in 3 days out of every week. And even on those days, I feel like she is mainly raising herself. I hate that.

How do single moms do it? I had the benefit of having my parents together all my life. Though they worked long, difficult hours, my brother and I were raised by my both sets grandparents in their absence. I am so thankful that I have a job/jobs that allow for so much flexibility so that I am able to work at home or bring her along but I’m usually stuck staring at a computer screen all day. I hate that.

Most days I feel so incompetent to fulfill this job called motherhood. I remember the years right before I got pregnant. Oh, I was so full of hubris and misguided confidence. I smugly doled out parenting advice so matter of factly to my friends, read many books on parenting and motherhood. When I had her I was over-prepared. I spent two years being “just” a mom. And I applied everything I learned in those books and from observing my friends’ trials and errors. Coupled with a great kid, the first 2 years were relatively easy. We didn’t deal with tantrums, baby proofing, illnesses, disobedience, etc.

Then I started working. And working. And working. And motherhood seemed to fall by the wayside. And now it seems that all I do is work. I hate that.

I just don’t want to fail her. Most days I just feel inadequate. And I hate that.

(Sorry for the negative post today. Just sharing what’s been heavy on my heart lately).