I’ve been to a good number of networking events in my career, and I’ve met my fair share of (hmmm, how do I put this nicely), interesting people. So interesting that I actually thought about hosting etiquette and “How Not to Be Awkward” seminars. After reading this email that was sent by a doctor to all the attendees that he grabbed business cards from at a networking event, I think maybe I should revisit this seminar idea.

The letter is fairly long, but I figured I would post it in its entirety in case people want to also be disgusted and highlight the areas I found amusing. Basically, this guy is looking for a potential relationship…and hopes that he can bribe these unsuspecting people at a business networking event to help him. He offers them incentives like Botox and “LASEK” (in one eye only) in exchange for introducing him to the perfect woman of his dreams–a size 0-2, an “8” and a “highly functional Type B.” Of course, the guy is a real winner. Just read his qualifications (except for the fact that he doesn’t capitalize his letters – guess they didn’t teach that in the ” 3 Ivy League schools” he attended?)

Lucky for us, one of the network attendees, Marc Ensign, a social media marketer, was a recipient of this email and was kind enough to share the douchiness for all to enjoy. And of course, I’m adding my own commentary to this –in RED.

dear fellow networking event attendees,

i was very late to last night’s event, so i only got to meet a small fraction of you guys (i tried to hurry, but you really can’t hurry-up surgery!)

sorry about this mass email, but it’s more efficient on my end. i’m also kind of a “semi-professional networker” with 10,000 people in my gmail contacts list, 1,000 friends on my various FB accts (even though i don’t use FB myself), 1,000 followers on Twitter, and google will “auto populate” my name, so perhaps some of you “beginning” networkers will learn some tips of how i’m always trying to create a “win-win” (this skill set was stressed a lot when i got my MBA from NYU)
Someone outted him on Marc’s blog post and the actually has less than 600 friends and has apparently tried before by posting an ad on Craigslist looking for an assistant to help him find a girlfriend…offering her a $10k bonus.

my situation is somewhat unusual in that i am the #1 surgeon of my type in the northeastern US by volume, and have performed nearly 20,000 procedures over the last 15 years, so i really don’t need additional income (which is the unusual part). i’m actually so successful that most of the reason i attend networking events these days is for personal networking, not business networking–i’m trying to meet the right woman to fall in love with, marry, and start a family with (i’m single, never married, and really want kids before i’m old!) Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. I’m so great. Me, me.

i’ve hired some professional matchmakers over the years, with OK results (eg i’ve dated 2 of the matches for 6 months each, which is pretty good). the services vary enormously in quality and price (with an imperfect correlation). for example, doing the math (ie taking their fee and dividing by the number of introductions they made), i’ve paid between $100 and $1,000 per introduction (which is worth it to me, even on the high end, since i have an unusual time/$ preference, ie have more $ than time) Two woman actually put up with this guy for 6 months? They need some sort of trophy. Or therapy.

clearly, i’m still trying to meet the right woman the “normal way” like out at events, or through dating websites (which is, shall i say, “normal-ish”). however, i do strongly feel that having as many sources as possible only increases the potential candidate pool, and increases my chances of meeting the right person (hence my offer to you)

so if you (or any of your friends) like playing matchmaker, please read my preferences/parameters below and try to help me out.

please send me the parameters and picture of the potential setup, so i can say if i’m interested, before you start introducing us (otherwise it’s kind of awkward then saying that i’m not interested). if interested, i’m offering the following “thank-you gifts” for your kind help:

• first date set up: $100 cash
• second date (with either same person, indicating a better match, or a 2nd person): +$200 or free latisse worth $300
• third date (again can be w same person): + $300 or free botox worth $500
• 4th date (w same or diff person): + $400 or free Juvederm injections worth $900
• 5th date (same conditions): + 500 cash or 1 eye free LASEK worth $2000:) One eye. Gee, that’s helpful. Maybe I can negotiate the second eye if the girl lasts 6 months?
  

this is what i am in general looking for.

These are my Hard (Objective) Dating Parameters which are NOT Flexible:
(this means I am only willing to pay for introductions if ALL these criteria are met)
(if you want to set me up w someone missing 1 of these criteria, I may accept, but will not pay for that) How generous.

1. Age 27-35 (ideally 28-34)
2. No kids, wants kids in the next 1-2 years
3. College graduate, doesn’t have to be a great school, but needs to have finished the degree
4. Skinny (i.e. dress size 0-2, if you don’t know what that means (many men don’t) it means very skinny)
5. Caucasian (not black, not Hispanic, not Asian) Thanks for clarifying that. I always thought Caucasians were part Asian…it says so in the name.
   
6. Healthy lifestyle (defined as no smoking, no drugs, good diet, no hard drinking, A woman who puts up with a narcissist like this guy, needs to drink. A alot.
   

These are things that I would ideally prefer, but don’t require (i.e. I am flexible about these criteria)

1. Christian (any denomination is fine, I’m Catholic but not very religious, prefer any religion over none, must be religiously tolerant, will not be compatible with someone who thinks everyone else is damned)
2. Graduate degree or very good undergraduate school (more compatible since I went to 3 Ivy League schools i.e. Dartmouth, Columbia & Harvard, as well as Emory and my MBA from NYU) Of course you did.
   
3. Spent significant time in another country other than the US (either born somewhere else or lived out of the US for a total of a 6 months or more, not on a vacation, doing something like school or work)
4. Spent significant time (>1 yr) living in a city of 1 million or more (so can live in NYC if moves here)
5. Likes animals and pets, particularly dogs (because I plan to have a dog for the rest of my life)

These are the Soft (Objective) Criteria I require, but are difficult to match (because they’re qualitative)

1. Attractive (like an 8 out of the 1-10 scale, 9-10 is actually bad as it comes with a lot of downside) I saw his picture. He’s a solid 4.
   
2. Nice, normal, sweet, kind, altruistic, selfless, not entitled, bitchy, materialistic, selfish, self-centered
3. Stylish, fashionable, polished, confident but not vain, superficial, overly concerned about looks
4. Hard-working, real career, full-time job (unless in graduate school), achievement-oriented
5. Highly functional Type B (not a Type A because too similar, not a Type B who can’t get stuff done)
6. Easy-going, sense of humor, doesn’t take life or things too seriously, gets along well with everyone
7. Good person, follows the Golden Rule, nice and kind to others, never does bad things because of values
8. Good family, good role models, ideally good nuclear family so can emulate good patterns of behavior

Well, we can at least be thankful that this guy is gonna be single forever and will never procreate…