I’ve been having this reoccurring dream lately when I’m driving with my eyes closed. In this dream, I am frantically trying to open my eyes, panicking more and more as I accelerate, cringing at the thought that at any moment I’m going to crash. No matter how hard I try, I cannot pry my eyes open and I wake up with my heart beating out of my chest, adrenaline pumping, terrified.
It’s almost 2 AM. My adrenaline is pumping, having been startled awake by a very loud, very abrupt car alarm. As with most car alarms, everyone ignores it, hoping the owner will take care of the problem. Well, tonight, that owner was me. After what seemed like forever, I got out of bed, went downstairs and pressed the button on my car key just to make sure it wasn’t mine. But it was. So, now I am wide awake wondering if someone tried to break into my car tonight, but I’m not going down there to find out until the light of day, so here we are…a blog post. [Update at 6 AM – car seems to be fine]
I’ve been meaning to write more posts this year, but like many things we resolve to do in the new year, the time just slips away, our intentions left by the wayside in lieu of more pressing matters and life, which just seems to move along at an alarming (pun intended?) speed until something forces you awake one day to stop and look around.
So back to my dream.
Since it’s happened more than once and, unlike my other dreams, I wake up remembering and trying to calm myself down. The last time it happened (a few weeks ago), I went looking for the meaning of this distressing dream. According to Dream Moods, the dream dictionary,
To dream that you are driving a vehicle signifies your life’s journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.
To dream that you cannot open your eyes indicates that there is a waking situation that you are just plain refusing to see or acknowledge.
I’m not even going to begin to decipher that interpretation right now. There’s just too much to unpack. Lately, I’ve been really considering where my life is heading. I will be 40 years old in a few weeks and though I’m not totally freaking out, I’m a bit concerned at how fast it all went by. Wasn’t it *just* a few years ago that I was chasing and pinching boys before my Home Ec class in the 8th grade? And now I have an 8th-grade daughter that I’m advising to stay away from boys. Then, thinking about the fact that in another 40 years, I will be facing the last part of my life. Damn. No wonder why I keep waking up in a panic.
Is this how a mid-life crisis starts?!
So, it boils down to the question I had back in the 8th grade, and again in the 12th grade, and again at 18 years old, 20 years old, 29 years old, 34 years old and every year subsequent…where am I going in life and where do I want to go? And the answer has always been the same, unsure, nervous giggle in an awkward situation type, I don’t really know. Staring at the other side of 40 and I still am trying to navigate blindly through life. No wonder why my subconscious is having a field day. What am I refusing to see or acknowledge?
This last time, there were two details in the dream that I forced myself to remember:
- I pulled over near a school or field where kids were playing soccer.
- I took my daughter to the doctor and decided to ask him why I couldn’t open my eyes but when I got into the office, my eyes opened and I could see clearly again.
Throw those into the mix and you have all the ingredients for another sleepless night trying to untangle all this stuff. Someone who can see clearly, tell me what this means. And could you please take the wheel for a bit?
So, I *could* make an empty promise that I will blog more, but I’ve done that numerous times over the years and have failed. One thing I am consistently updating is my Instagram page. I post there daily and in my story, so if you want to see where I’m headed follow me on IG @hanssieh.