So, I used to be a control freak. Seriously. Emphasis on used to.
Ugh. Okay, okay, fine. I’m a Reformed Control Freak with control issues if you must put a label on it.
But as I have described before, I am waaaay better than I used to be. I used to think that I could do everything better (or faster) than anyone else — “Anything you can do, I can do better…” even though I didn’t want ever to acknowledge that to anyone, including myself. I used to think that I could control every aspect of my life and the lives of my husband and child. I did my hardest to manipulate everything for my benefit. Then one day, it all came crashing down, and I realized that I had no control over anything really.
These days I don’t try to control much, maybe how the refrigerator looks (but even that is not exactly the way I want it at all times as much as I try), but I realize that, though I am fairly content not having to control anyone except myself — my feelings and actions, I really, really hate to be controlled. In fact, even more than not having control is knowing that someone else is trying to control me. One of my life goals is to have freedom (and not be controlled by anyone, be it a boss or a significant other).
I have a few friends that are control freaks. And sometimes, I get pretty frustrated that they try to control me by making our friendship on their terms, which makes my residual Control Freak really freak out…It’s a vicious cycle. And I think part of my fear of getting remarried (someday, in a time far, far away) is that I will lose my newfound taste of freedom and somehow lose my new, free self. But, just as I have learned that I cannot control everything, I’ve learned that giving up control doesn’t mean I have to lower my standards, compromise my beliefs or lose myself. Part of losing the Control Freakishness is that I realized that I need others, that in order to be a part of a bigger story (outside of myself) and not miss out, I had to let go of the need to be the author of every outcome.
These days, I am learning to embrace uncertainty, working on relying on others, taking the risk to trust people, looking for my place in the bigger story, and opening myself up to new experiences, adventures, and one day, hopefully, new love.
Thanks for listening.