This was the night I paced the pier for two hours. The fishermen kept asking if I was okay and eventually I was kicked out by the police (They were closing the gates–it’s not as dramatic as it sounds).
A few weeks ago, I was talking to my roommate about how experiencing growth is easy during times of struggle, but in times of contentment, growth is more difficult to achieve. You must be proactive to do so when everything is going well in life. I jokingly said that I needed to find some sort of struggle or I’d just become stagnant.
Well crap, Universe, I was JOKING. Jeez.
Almost the second that JOKE came out of my mouth, it seemed like my contented life was assaulted with struggle after struggle. In the recent weeks, it’s almost become laughable as a new random health symptom will pop up to be dealt with. My amazingly awesome chiropractor says he loves seeing me each week because I have a new mystery ailment that he has to figure out and solve.
In the past weeks, I’ve been face to face in an epic battle with one of my biggest struggles – insecurity. Oh sure, online and in person, I can give off an aura of confidence and self assurance almost to the point of arrogance, but though I can to publicly display this bravado, inside I’m really just a mess of “why am I not good enoughs” and “what ifs.”
I’m annoyed with myself that I haven’t been able to win this battle yet and even as I type this now, I’m wondering what you’re thinking as you read this. I can picture you in front of your laptop, rolling your eyes and saying aloud, “Omg. Is she REALLY writing about this again? What is her problem? What a mess this girl is. No wonder why she’s single.” Or is anyone even reading this at all? (Don’t answer that!)
All I can show for the last couple of weeks, besides doctors visits and money spent on random supplements is countless miles spent walking on I Map My Run and hours and hours of audio from life coach, Tony Robbins, blasting in my ears. Fixing a lifetime of issues exacerbated by baggage is TOUGH. It is so much more fun to just pack my bags and jet off to Vegas and party all weekend. I’m sure it’s much more fun to read about, too – no one wants to read all about angst and struggle all the time right? But for one of the first times in my life, I have stopped running and am facing one of my biggest demons head on. And man, it’s tough. You find things you really don’t want to find and then have to change.
Slaying demons is exhausting, but as I’ve learned the hard way, there is no Prince Charming that is going to do this work for me. These are my battles to fight and I’m gonna be victorious. All joking aside.