A Catch-22

During a late-night “woe is me” session with a good friend, she says, “Just be yourself and stop trying to prove yourself to people. That’s how you are most attractive!”

I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing but I’ve always been a people pleaser. Even as a child I needed the gold star to feel good about myself. My self-worth was wrapped up in getting good grades, making my parents proud of me, collecting accolades and winning awards. I didn’t necessarily need to be the best, but I needed people to say I was good enough and give me validation.

I guess that stayed with me into my adult years. But now I’m a closet people pleaser. I say I don’t need people’s approval and for the most part, I don’t. I am pretty good at doing my own thing with a devil may care attitude, but I’ll do it, and deep down inside, this little piercing bit of self-doubt starts. I clamp it down and do it anyway. But it’s still there. And I’m pretty good at pretending it’s not.

My friend says that I give the impression that I’m confident and that I don’t really care but once I open up, it is pretty clear that I still need the validation from other people, and since I share pretty much everything from my blog, people perceive me the same way I perceive myself –insecurities and all.

So, here I am at a catch-22. I can be open and honest all the time, insecurities, and all like I do now or fake it till I make it and not be completely true to who I really am.

The decision is easy. I am not changing who I am so someone might find me more attractive. I am, however, going to continue to work on being okay with who I am, wear my heart on my sleeve and pour out my self-doubts on paper (or virtual paper, I guess). If that makes me unattractive to someone then so be it. They don’t deserve a place in my life anyway.

“I’m selfish, impatient, and insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.” Marilyn Monroe

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